Went to see Mickey Avalon at the 9:30 Club last night. Were probably the oldest people there (again). Doorman asked to check my bag and assured me “I only have to check ID if you’re 21 or older.” Thanks, dipshit.
The club was about a third full, mostly prepubescent douchebags in an array of popped collars and brightly colored tube dresses. And really structured hair, like, super shellac-ed, the kind that stands up in front with zebra highlights. Upon seeing us, a friend working the food counter downstairs remarked, “You guys came for this shit?” Not a promising start to the evening.
Too bad it was the best show I’d been to in a long time. Mickey Avalon is this white boy from LA who hangs around cory kennedy types and does sort of rap/rock, but not the numetal Kid Rock kind. Primarily, he raps about A) his dick; B) bulimic girls he sleeps with; C) cocaine. And he’s joined on stage by these two smokin’ hot chicks in skin tight, black leotards and fishnets and red, patent leather stripper heels who slink around the stage smoking and bending over for the crowd’s benefit. Some choice lyrics include: “my dick don’t fit down the chimney/ yo dick look like a kid from the phillipines,” or, “somethin’ smells fishy and I don’t know what/ but I got a hunch its ya lady.” I know, right? Head. Exploding.
We grabbed a spot against the railing upstairs way on the left side of the stage (the better to hate on everyone, obvs). This proved providential, seeing that who sidles up next to me in an oversized Mickey Avalon tee, cargo shorts, and unlaced skate shoes? Simon Rex. For the uninitiated, Rex was a Calvin Klein model turned MTV VJ turned “pornography personality” turned absolute joke. And now, apparently, he’s rapping as part of the opening “act” on Mickey Avalon’s tour. His stage name is Dirt Nasty. Dirt. Nasty. Right.
Being the amateur starfucker I am, I rack my brain for a casual intro, like, “which one of the twins are you banging?” or “I loved you on the Grind.” Before I can speak, he oozes back downstairs to join the others on stage for a rousing rendition of, what else, “My Dick,” to close out the show. After which I’m pretty sure they went backstage to do blow off the ass of some 14-year old.
Recommendations for upcoming chances to dryhump a pseudo-celebrity:
Smashing Pumpkins tonight at 9:30 Club. May have to do more than that just to get a ticket since they sold out seemingly before they went on sale.
Mos Def at 9:30 Club Saturday. Nuf said.
Prince vs. Outkast dance party at the Cat, August 4. Neither will actually be there, but I will, molesting someone to “erotic city.”
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